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Veering Off Course

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It’s been so long since I’ve written, I’ve almost forgotten my voice, so I’ll start with what I know. My boys are almost 20 months old and the absolute light of our lives. They are the most precious little human beings I’ve ever met, and I am constantly delighted with the new things they do and learn. With that said, life is busy and some days I struggle to keep up. Even though I do not have a lot of extra time on my hands, I hope to have more things just for me. I’ve been thinking about how to make this blog feel like my own space again, rather than a space solely dedicated to the boys, so it may be a windy road, but I’ll get there and I hope you’ll join me.

I hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving and that you spent it with loved ones.

XO

Perfect Moments

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The boys take a lengthy nap in the mornings, so I’m able to shower, eat breakfast and prepare for the day. Yesterday was not the smoothest of mornings, but we won’t get into that. Today has included one of those perfect moments, and I think I will remember it forever. 

I heard Dominic’s stirring go from quiet and content to angry and loud. As I picked him up from his crib, he stopped crying immediately and buried his sweet face into my chest. I held him close and took in his amazing baby smell. We walked from room to room, talking about what we saw, pointing out family members in photos. We eventually ended up in the living room and snuggled up on the couch. The quiet in the house was something I rarely hear. There were no barking dogs, no babbling baby noises, no hum of a rock n play baby seat, and no chatter of the television. 

We sat there together and I told him the story of how I met Marv, how we fell in love, and how badly we wanted to expand our family and have babies. I told him how hard it was to do something that seemed so natural and simple. I told him how happy we were to learn that we were going to have two babies. And most importantly, I cried a little as I told him how wanted and loved him and his brother are. I told him how special and perfect we think he is. 

I’d love to say that he fell asleep in my arms at that moment, but this isn’t a movie, this is real life. Really, I had to put him in the Bjorn to get him to sleep because I was starving and had to eat some breakfast. In real life with twins, moments like this don’t happen often, or at least they haven’t for me up to this point. I find it hard to have quiet moments with one baby, but today…today, I did. I will always cherish this perfect moment. 

xo

Sweetness.

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I have kept something from friends and family. I have not done this on purpose and some people do know, but for those who don’t, it is not because you aren’t important to me or because we aren’t close. I have kept this to myself because I didn’t know how to say it, when to say it, or how you would react. So, here it is…our Dominic was diagnosed with Down Syndrome. 

First and foremost, we are not sad, angry or disappointed, and he is more than we could have ever imagined. Our boys are the sweetest, most wonderful gift and we would not change a thing. The love we have for our boys is unreal. Dominic is totally healthy, without heart problems, thyroid issues, or breathing problems, and he passed his hearing test and has been a great eater from the start. We have been so lucky so far.

At this point, milestones are becoming more important and clear to see, so we are beginning to become a part of the DS community so we can use therapy and play to nurture him as much as possible. Lucky for him, he has a twin brother with whom he can learn and play.  

I’m happy to put this out there because maybe some other mamas will see it and share advice, or maybe I can help an expectant mama, and maybe it will help us connect more with the DS community. 

People’s reactions have been interesting, so by writing this, I’m hoping to avoid some hurtful and ignorant ones. First off,  we don’t want or need to “fix” Dominic. Secondly, we are not joking, so please don’t say “shut up”. Lastly, we are not sorry, so please don’t say that you are. I think I just want you to ask if he’s healthy so I can boast about just how healthy he is. Or maybe you could ask anything you would ask a mom of any 3 1/2 month old…does he like tummy time? Actually, yes, he does! You could ask if he’s smiling, so I can show you pictures. You could ask if he’s cooing, but you’ve been warned, I have videos and your heart might burst from all the cuteness. 

I don’t have all the answers, I just know how I feel, so I can share about our experience, and I’m happy to do that.

xo

Breakfast thoughts.

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Breakfast is one of the few weekday meals that I get to really enjoy and savor. The boys are usually sleeping, so I sip coffee and enjoy the quiet, thinking about what I need to do for the day. This particular morning I thought a lot about this blog and what it should be.

When I first started writing, I was a new blog reader, and I think I tried too hard to emulate the blogs I enjoyed so much. Although putting together and writing posts was fun, not all of them were from the heart. If there is one thing I’ve embraced at this point in life, it’s just being comfortable and confident with who I am. As a new mama, there are endless opportunities to question or doubt yourself, and because I’ve taken my husband’s lead, I’m focusing on trusting my instincts. 

So, what do you have to look forward to? I will just share things as they come. Currently, I’m unhappy with my squishy postpartum body, so perhaps I’ll share how I intend to remedy that. (Operative word here is intend because we all know how I feel about donuts.) I’m really into this whole capsule wardrobe idea and that could be because Most of my clothes don’t fit, but perhaps we will give that a go. I’ll share what’s cooking in my kitchen and any fun home projects that can be accomplished for $0, or somewhere in the extremely cheap price range. We did a spending freeze for one month, so maybe I will write about that. Maybe I will just write about my gorgeous twinkies and post photos because a large portion of my day is spent admiring them and taking photos of them. 

I’m not saying that I’m the craftiest, an amazing cook, a fashionista, or a parent extraordinaire, but I am looking forward to sharing all about what we are up to and how I’m making the most of each day. That hasn’t changed, and I hope it never will. Finding the beauty in the greyest of days is a part of who I am.

Happy Friday!

xo

Enough.

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Some days you feel like a rockstar, like someone is setting them up so you can knock them down. You get through your to do list with ample time and make plenty of time for smiles and laughter. 

Some days you are chasing an impossible schedule, can’t remember what you need to do and just feel like a failure. 

I am enjoying one of the latter today. I have chosen to be 5 minutes late to work so I can snuggle my babies for one more moment and write this post. Make time for what you love, right? 

You are always enough. Take it easy on yourself, I know I am.

xo

Nearly Three Months In…

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Here we are, nearly three months in to being a family of four. We have had a blast and feel so lucky to be parents to these handsome boys.

My thoughts about being a mom to twin boys? I have heard people say things like, “twice blessed”, “twice as much love”, “double the love”, but for us, it’s all we know. Since we struggled for so long, I am just tremendously happy and humbled to be a mom.

Just like with one baby, we have some nights in which sleep is a distant memory. We have days when you look at them and wonder where the time went and how the heck they got so big. Unlike singleton mamas, there are days when I wish I had four arms, so I could snuggle and comfort them both at the same time. That is probably the hardest thing. I’m rarely alone with the boys because I have an amazing support system, but when I am and they are both fussy, it’s hard to know that I can’t make them both feel better. But, this comes with the territory, and it’s just one more thing to figure out and overcome. You just try things and figure out what works. Isn’t that motherhood, in a nutshell?

At this point, I’m easing back into work, struggling to get my body (or something close to it) back, and loving being a mama. Life is settling, getting out is easier, and I care again about things like socializing and washing my hair. It sounds crazy, but I swear to you that I was averaging a shower every other day and washing my hair three times a week. For those that know me, you understand how crazy that is. I normally wash my hair everyday, even though I know it’s not the healthiest for my hair. Anyway, I care again!

Things I am looking forward to, and my mini Summer Bucket List…

Getting out in the sunshine a few times a week! With the babies, the days fly by, and I can’t tell you how many times I have had the best intentions to get out for a walk, only to realize that my day was gone.

Reading for pleasure!  I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t reading about baby development or sleep training.

Cooking a meal once a week! I’ve been doing a lot of sandwiches, pasta, and finishing up our freezer meals. As y’all know, I love to cook and I miss it.

Going to a family friendly outdoor concert! My husband and I are big fans of going to outdoor concerts and we love music. In fact, Saturday mornings are my favorite because we bathe the boys, listen to music and eat breakfast together. We are introducing the boys to our favorites. Anyhow, a family friendly, daytime outdoor concert would be amazing.

Hiking! It’s one of the reasons we love living here, but we haven’t been able to get out lately.

Camping! I know this one is a bit more ambitious, but I really feel like it’s a possibility toward the end of the summer. Let’s talk about that again toward the end of the summer.

Tackle a home renovation project! An extremely cheap home renovation project. Being home just motivates me more, and unfortunately we have no money to put into the house right now. Maybe we will find something we can afford to tackle, and I can share all the details with you.

Writing a post once a week! It would be really lovely to write a little something once a week, to carve out that time for me and you. I’d also love to see how this blog evolves. Like parenting, I’m not making any plans, just trying to go with the flow and listen to my heart.

With that said, it feels great to be back here and to write a little something.

Have a great rest of your week!

xo

 

Why I’ve Been MIA

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It’s been a long while since I’ve written, and it’s about time I get back to it, as I will have more to share and a slightly different feel here on the blog. Why the change, you ask? My husband and I are so happy to share that we have welcomed two healthy baby boys into the world. Our journey to becoming parents has been a long and difficult one. Since most of you readers are friends and family, you may know a bit about our story but for those of you who don’t, I feel ready to share it.

My husband and I will celebrate 9 years of marriage and 13 years of being together this coming fall. I have always known he was the one I would spend my life with, and we have always known that we wanted children. We decided to “pull the goalie” when we got married, hoping to get pregnant spontaneously, just like on TV and in the movies. I wanted to be able to surprise him with a home pregnancy test and overwhelm him with joy and fear all at once. For women who do want children, who doesn’t want that? Well, that’s not exactly how it went for us.

We married in 2007 and although we both wondered if something was wrong because it hadn’t happened for us quickly, we had hope and just figured it was taking a little longer for us. There is no shame in that. In the spring of 2010, my husband actually noticed that I was late and suggested that I take a pregnancy test–leave it to him to notice something like that. So much for the big surprise.

I took the test and it was positive. Suddenly, I felt the wave of joy and fear all at once. I scheduled a blood test with my doctor so we could know for sure, and that came back positive. We were SO EXCITED. And then, within a matter of days, the dream was all gone. We lost our first, sweet, precious baby. I have tears in my eyes as I write this because even though I have just delivered my beautiful boys, a woman never really gets over a loss like that. It was so short lived, but so real.

The sadness and depression that comes along with a loss like this differs from woman to woman but it’s all real and it’s all okay. I had a very hard time for a very long time. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone and I felt ashamed. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for us because I kept reading that miscarriage is very common, so I felt like I just needed to get over it. Seeing that a friend was pregnant made me happy but also so very sad, and that made me feel horrible. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t move on from this, but I couldn’t. Watching TV or movies was hard because if a character lost a baby or became pregnant, I’d cry. Sometimes I’d ask my husband to go to functions without me and just tell friends that I was sick because I just couldn’t pull myself together.

For as hard as it was on me, my husband struggled too. He struggled with trying to help me pick up the pieces, with being strong for me even though he was sad too. He didn’t know how to help me because I didn’t know how to help myself. He did everything he could. He was my rock, he held me when I cried and consoled me when I needed it. Truthfully though, he was worried. Worried that I wouldn’t bounce back from it.

Eventually, it got better. 

After the miscarriage, we began learning about tracking my cycles and getting the timing right. After a year, nothing. We sought treatment at an infertility clinic and they told me I needed to do IVF, and they showed little to no compassion for the pain I felt. My experience at the larger clinic was too much for me to handle at that point. The doctor didn’t know my name without looking at my chart, and I cried after every appointment. I completely withdrew from a Western medicine approach, and I turned to acupuncture. I gave that a full year as well, and although I noticed benefits, there was no pregnancy. Everyone says that stress is your biggest enemy when trying to conceive, so we took a complete break from additional treatments. 

Within a few months, things began moving in the right direction on their own. October of 2014 my husband found our forever home. We quickly got our first home ready to sell and prepared for the real estate roller coaster of buying and selling. Luckily, our home sold quickly and for a great price, and our forever home didn’t cost a small fortune. We were left with a profit and knew it was time to face the infertility issues. I had heard of a great doctor that had a smaller practice, and in my heart, I knew this was a part of the answer. 

We moved into our new home in January, and by February I had made appointments with a naturopath, the new infertility clinic and with a new acupuncturist. I began doing Pure Barre three times a week and was determined to give my body the best possible chance of conceiving. I felt like I had my dream team assembled, and for the first time in five years, I felt positive about our chances. It took months to get there but we did it. 

I have two clear as day memories of how we achieved (what I felt was) the impossible. The first was hearing our doctor tell us firmly but with compassion that we needed to undergo an aggressive round of IVF. He showed emotion but hope for us, and he didn’t sugar coat it at all. I felt ready to hear it and ready to do what was necessary. The second was once treatment had begun. I was a little over halfway through treatment, when my doctor advised that it wasn’t going well and that I needed to prepare myself for the possibility of stopping this treatment and starting up again in a couple months. My favorite nurse held me as I cried and she reassured me that this cycle wasn’t over yet, there was still hope. My doctor increased the dosage of my medications and we continued. I was devastated and for the first time, I reached out to friends and family for support. I welcomed prayer and positive thoughts, and I felt no shame. My cousin, my hero and inspiration, suggested affirmations and visualization, so I did it. We gave it our all. 

My next appointment showed progress. It wasn’t a miraculous turnaround, but it was progress, and it was enough to keep on going. We finished out treatment and I underwent the egg retrieval and egg transfer. I only produced 4 eggs that round, very few for someone my age and in good health, and only 2 of them fertilized. We transferred the 2 and now I sit here writing this with my 2 baby boys in the pack n play next to me. 

We got lucky that it worked in the first round. That we persevered. That we were surrounded by love and support. That we had the best possible team. 

So many women have a longer, more difficult road, and my heart goes out to them. So many women don’t have a happy ending to their story, and my heart aches for them. This is just one story, my story. I found comfort in reading other women’s stories, and so for that reason alone, I’m sharing mine. 

xo

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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A very happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours! Today is one of those days that my husband and I have never really celebrated. We always refer to each other as “my Valentine”, and sometimes we will make an extra special dinner, or maybe a delicious dessert, but we are not the weekend get-away couple, not the dozen roses couple, and certainly not the crowded restaurant couple. For those that embrace it and go all out, fantastic! There is no better reason to spend some extra money or to really put yourself out there, than for the one you love. But, if you’re a little more like us and keep it low key, know that it makes your love story no less special. Some of the greatest moments in life are the simplest, right?

My Valentine is the greatest in the whole wide world and to quote my wedding vows, he “makes me happy when skies are grey.” What more does a girl need?

Enjoy your day, whether you care about Valentine’s Day or not. Today is Friday after all, and you know what that means…FRIDAY FLOWERS! Go out and pick up some flowers to brighten your home and spirits. And while you’re there, grab some chocolate and champagne…because, why not?

xo